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Before I knew that Earth was my mother… Before I knew that I belonged… I lived on a tiny island. I saw seals and turtles entangled in fishing nets… caught and trapped in a situation they moved into innocently I knew the binding in my own life And I felt their struggle to breathe against the compression I was able to cut some of them lose. There were thousands of birds With every voice you could imagine. The albatross danced and mated and fed their young plastic Because they didn’t understand the world man had made. I felt the pain in their bellies I too had been fed things that did not nourish me …and I did not fully understand the world I lived in. I watched the seals give birth Nurse their babies laying belly to the sky on the beach I felt the possibility course through my veins And I wondered at it… because in my mind Possibility was bound tight… but... I also found it wasn’t I learned on that island that I am a wild being Often caught up in things I do not understand. I learned on that island, of compassion, of wildness constricted, Of the truth that some things must die And some must persist to bring new life into the world I began to feel the mother earth, and the warm salty waters I began to feel my own life force… and to feed it. I learned to forage for nourishment rather than emptiness And I learned that life and death are all part of the mother. 
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So, I've been thinking a lot lately about bodies, illness, and healing. I've been thinking about western medicine, alternative healing, and energy work. Even though this is what I do, I still sometimes wonder when something happens to my body, which realm it falls in. It's funny, that I've come full circle with my own healing this year. I began the year knowing that I had some emotional healing that was coming. I knew it was big... I knew it would be intense... and I was ready. What I didn't expect was the physical stuff that blew all that perceived control of the emotional wide open. I cried more this year than in a long time. I feared more this year than I have in a long time. And I went to the doctor about the physical. I was finally referred to the fifth doctor... who I liked and trusted. But whatever is going on is mysterious. She told me Friday that if this next thing we're trying doesn't address my issues, then she doesn't know what will.  I came home and cried again. I really want it to be "fixed". But the ball is back in my court. Yes, I'm doing what she suggested. And I'll follow up with her in a month. But I already know. Nothing will change.
Unless. Unless I give my body the chance to tell the truth... to call a spade a spade. Unless I hear this body... let her say the things that no one wants to hear... that honestly, I'm not sure I want to hear. I don't want to revisit old crap... my life feels good right now... I just celebrated (truly) my fifteenth anniversary, my kids are healthy and wonderful, and things are just good. But, my body says it's time to deal with the things that need stability and love and wellness so that they can even begin to express what they've been holding. I heard my body say that it's OK. That I'm OK. I got clear that this physical stuff is only a mirror for me right now. And I have to address the core of what's being reflected. It will take time, and things will be fine. And I want to be clear. I believe that illness (or discomfort or disease) sometimes originates in the body and needs to be addressed in the medical system. And sometimes it originates in the subtle realms of emotions, beliefs, and agreements. Sometimes those things are conscious, and sometimes not. For me, right now, this thing... it's about healing the shames, the darknesses, the shadows. It's about reclaiming something of me that is rightfully mine. And when I do, I believe my physical body will stop reacting. I've done it before. I see it with clients all the time. I live in this intersection of physical and subtle bodies... I love this intersection of physical and subtle realms... I am at home here. It should come as no surprise that this is where my own healing is right now. Have you ever had an experience that was as mundane as could be, but you just knew had been orchestrated by Divine Intervention? I mean, that you could just feel the perfection of the moment (even if it was really uncomfortable)? I had one of these experiences lately. There were a series of events that left no doubt in my mind that I was at a really major crossroads. I had been confronting some old memories... you know those old things that you've almost convinced yourself aren't really yours... and that feels like such a relief... but then you admit to them and they become persistent thoughts until you begin to feel them? I have a very partial memory of being abused when I was five. Lots of times I had thought of it, but with so few details I chose to think it wasn't real. I even brought it up to a healer once... who told me it wasn't my memory... that it belonged to someone else. Wahoo! Free pass to toss that sucker by the wayside! But, like toilet paper stuck to my shoe... it followed me around... and just last year I decided I was brave enough to investigate.  Lots of other memories flow into this same river confluence. Suffice it to say that what I learned at five, that was reinforced over and over later in a multitude of ways, was that my value was in what I could offer to others. The important thing was that someone else feel good, or not feel bad... but that my feelings didn't really matter. Fast forward to mid-January. I was creating the material for Water As My Ally (my Water Intensive e-course), and the secrets, the feelings, the conflict in my sense of sensuality from these experiences... all came bubbling up to the surface. I fell into a full on Divine Feminine crisis. At the same time, the wisdom of my body was also surfacing. All of the places that I held these tensions, conflicts, and sense of resignation came to my attention in one way or another. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with prolapse. I was intensely afraid of having an hysterectomy... I realized how much I identified my femininity and my womanhood with my uterus. I mourned. I threw slightly childish fits about how "unfair" this all was. And then... there was a moment of immaculate divinity. The fourth doctor's appointment. I hadn't yet managed to see the same doctor twice for all of the issues I was having in the same locale... and I was getting tired of a parade of physicians in my nether regions. But, this time it was different. I had seen three female doctors... each of whom treated me for the first thing they saw, but never the whole story. It was like they wanted out of attending to another woman's female parts as soon as possible. I was scheduled to see Doctor #3, but she was catching a baby... so I was introduced to Doctor #4... a man.  It was a divine miracle. Seriously. I'm not joking. He realized he had surprised me. He told me I could decide if I wanted him to see me or to reschedule (he IMMEDIATELY offered me choice!). He listened to my story. He was willing to let me show him what I was seeing that worried me BEFORE he did "his exam" (another doctor had refused this request). He was professional, he took his time, he took measurements, he assessed all of the possibilities. And then he told me that the prolapse isn't too bad. He said I need to strengthen my pelvic floor. He recommended exercise. {Do you know how many times I've had to advocate for myself... for other therapies besides taking a pill or having surgery???}. Whew! And bigger than that... he was a man. A stranger that showed up in complete compassion. He listened. He gave me choices. This instantly began healing the part of me that had been betrayed by men... by doctors... by myself. I rewrote stories of who men are, who doctors are, who is allowed to decide what to do with my body. And finally, I was able to see where I had followed suit and betrayed myself... believing the story that I had little or no inherent value. This was a life-changing 15 minutes. And I am absolutely certain that the Divine intervened in that moment... converging all of my rivers into one so that I can keep moving forward. It's a feeling I just can't relay with words. A divine moment of clarity and healing... archetypal and yet also tangible in this very body. My point? {I know this is long... we're almost there!} The truly miraculously Divine really is present every day. It is possible with each interaction, each moment, each blink of the eye, to behold great wonders, to heal old wounds, to rewrite old stories. Curious to hear more? Sign up for Notes From The Muse my monthly-ish correspondence.
Follow me on Facebook Jill Clifton at Luminous Muse Healing It feels impossible, yes? To know that 230 young women were abducted from their school to be slaves to the militant factions of Nigeria. To be aware of the dynamics that produces such an event is overwhelming to me. And yet, I am about healing. So, though I have raged and stewed and thrown up my hands, I will not let this slip by me. I will not write them off. I will not ignore it. While I can't make a government go and get these girls back... and I can't stop the violence... I can take steps toward healing.  Picture from the BBC news story on the abductions Rape functions as the deposition of rage and pain and suffering of all people into women. We are all suffering at the hands of the current power structures in different ways. Freedom comes as women heal themselves of the pains of the world that have been deposited with them… both current and ancestral. We all carry this knowledge and experience within us. This pain is our doorway to healing... for these 230 girls that were abducted two weeks ago in Nigeria, and other women who have been forced into being receptors for the great pains of the world. I will stand for these girls... and all women, for their sovereignty, their autonomy, their beauty. I will stand for healing.
To do this... you and I can heal the pain that we carry, and we can offer this possibility to the collective, this experience of healing. You and I can do this here and now. I will. I am. For these 230 girls, I acknowledge the pain I’ve been willing to carry… AND I stand for no longer carrying that heaviness. I express the hope and beauty available to all when we no longer carry so deep a burden of shame and revulsion with ourselves, that we are able to be fully in ourselves… all of us... healed and whole. This is the healing of the Sacred Feminine. It is not a small act. And it requires deep courage. We can do it together. Action step coming soon... I promise! |
Jill CliftonI'm an explorer of inner realms, a pattern observer, and an invitation maker. I believe that healing the world starts within. If you organize your blog conversations through Bloglovin' you can follow me there...
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