 The other day I had the opportunity to reflect on receiving... for like the millionth time. I was creating content for my Body Wisdom Healing Intensive, Returning to Center... so I had to stick with it even when I couldn't figure out what to say about it. I struggle so much with the concept of receiving.
It's the worst sort of circle... the one where I start with a good intention... receiving happiness, or joy, or a compliment, or really anything at all that feels good... and then I hit resistance. Instead of stepping back and questioning resistance I tend to fight with it... and eventually I lose and end up with my head in my hands wondering how broken you have to be to push away happiness/joy/pleasure. And then... the Muse opened a channel... and there it was. Receiving isn't easy because PARTS of it aren't easy. Check this out... Maybe receiving isn't one thing... but many things. Maybe, if I looked at it as separate types of receiving I could find my way. (Note: these are not mutually exclusive categories, and this is a question-posing exercise... I don't have answers... so... um... only keep reading if you are cool with that.) 1. Social: We are interact with others through the giving and receiving of attention. It includes chatting about the weather, social niceties, and small talk. 2. Emotional: This is our sense of connection with others... it can come from social receiving, but includes the sense that we are not alone, that we can see our kindred spirits in others. 3. Mental: This is the transfer of knowledge or information. Generally this happens within our institutions... and it reinforces an established hierarchy. Someone has the knowledge or information and imparts it to someone who does not have it. 4. Spiritual: Our relationship with ourselves and our connection to all other living beings, including that which is bigger than us. The details of HOW you do this is unimportant in this context, what IS important is THAT you have this. Let me tell you why Spiritual Receiving is my saving grace... Social, Emotional, and Mental receiving always involves another human being. This creates a situation in which fear is a constant companion. I'm going to venture that all of us have experienced some kind of betrayal, question of our worthiness, or general trauma in these kinds of interactions. If someone else is involved, we simply cannot control the situation such that we can always trust it. It makes receiving, an act of trust, very difficult if there is fear and protection involved. There is nothing wrong with fear, or protection. Both, when utilized at the appropriate times keep us safe. If we're new to receiving, though, they also keep us from being able to receive. And then there's Spiritual Receiving. Thank all that is holy. Because this... this is where our receiving is all about us. We have complete control. There is not another unpredictable human in the mix with their own baggage to dump on us... it is just us and spirit. You can find Spirit lots of places... and whatever gets you connected is perfect... nature, church, an altar, a candle, meditation, prayer... it's all good. Do you know where you find your sense of connection? Where is Spirit? How much time do you spend there? To be clear, the goal is not to rid ourselves of fear and protection... but for them to stick to their job of blocking danger... not blocking our reception of some of the greatest gifts of connection in our lives. I know this because this year I'm actively relying on my connection with Spirit to help me clear up confusion in my receiving through relationship. Yes, I said year. It's nowhere near over. It may be stretched before me for many years still. But it's so worth it. I have had such great joy from the connections I'm building as I reach into those vulnerable edges with someone I love and trust... and I come out happier, more connected, and more willing to play on that edge again. Because I can receive from Spirit, in a way that is safe and trustworthy, I know that I can both have good receiving experiences AND move slowly in relationship with others. This is how I take tiny steps toward big healing. For me it's the easiest way.
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While I know it's not uncommon to have an adversarial relationship with your body... I can promise you that idea... that the very thing you can't get away from is out to get you in do you in... isn't supporting your well-being. When we feel like we're under attack... that something is out to get us... our only safe response is defense and/or counter-attack. At the very least, then, we become defensive about our bodies... wondering when it's going to interfere with our planned life next... preemptively warding off the next thing we're afraid of with supplements, exercise techniques, or diets. What if your body really loves you? What if it wants to be vibrant and healthy as much as you want it to work for you? What if it is constantly speaking in its own language... telling you what it wants and needs... only for you not to be able to hear it... to have the whims of lifestyle gurus telling you what to do to your own body to whip it into shape - submission - function. I'm not suggesting that all of the nutritionist - exercise - health coach - foodies are steering you wrong... no. But what would it be like to learn something new about health and to bring it to the body to tell you if it's right for you or not.  I brought raw food to my body and it laughed at me. I understand the argument for raw foods, and I believe in the basic understanding of nutrition around raw food... but my belly wanted NOTHING to do with it. More power to the people that it supports. But it doesn't support me. At least not now.
I have had foods that disagreed with me (dairy)... and I've been able to work through my relationship with them because the problem wasn't about the food but what it represented (mothering)... and now I can eat dairy and have been able to for years. But how would I have known that was the case - that it was even possible - if it wasn't for my belief that my body loves me and wants us to have a good relationship? What if I hadn't spent years building a relationship with my Body Wisdom so that I could hear these messages? Our relationships with our bodies are like any other. They are dependent on interaction, support, acknowledgement, love, and persistence. Keep listening. Your body is telling you what and how much it wants to eat, what kind of movement it loves, how much sleep you need, and how your thoughts make it feel. This is our most precious earthly relationship... the one we have with our bodies. Thank you Earth Mother for this body, For this gift of motion and manifestation. With deep gratitude I honor my body, And I allow us to love one another. My blogging has never been consistent... that's ok. But lately it's been bothering me and I've been thinking about what consistency brings us. What do we get for making ourselves show up even when resistance pops up? Well, I guess first and foremost, I know what a lack of consistency does. When it's important stuff that we want to be consistent... it's about reliability and trustworthiness. I know that as a child, the sporadic nature of my connection with my parents was traumatic. It left a lasting sense that it was hard to trust people. Not that I expected them to be mean or neglectful... but that I just couldn't rely on them. The place my lack of consistency shows up these days is in my own self-care. I tend to sign up for online courses that make my heart shine initially, but when the time for the course starts competing with time for other things... I often end up letting the course go. I don't finish them. Or... I commit to some daily practice of caring for my own soul, and within days I'm not doing it anymore.  And then later I regret it. Then I feel like I didn't follow through... and I feel like I can't always trust me to follow through for myself. I'm a die hard loyal for others... but not so much for me. Why should I get less of myself than others do? Honestly, it's habit. And it's one that needs my attention to break it. It means that I do need to make myself do things even when I don't think I want to, just because I know they're good for me. This is backward to what I learned as a kid... that things should be easy... so always go the easy way. This pattern... the one where I abandon myself and my intentions when my resistance comes up... that needs to change. The pattern I long for is that I can trust me to always be there... always showing up for what I need and want, even when the going gets tough. I'm beginning again. Today. Literally.  I'm noticing the sacred in the every day... it's part of a 31 day course with Nissa Howard called #messageseverywhere. It's a bit like my sporadic nature practice (#naturemessages)... but... ya know... consistent and reliable.
What are you beginning again today? It's the full moon... what brings you such a sense of fulfillment that you're willing to do it for you... over and over again. There is thinking to come up with some kind of conclusion, and there is intuitive knowing. Both are important. It's obvious why we need to think, but what does intuition get us that we can't get from logic? Well, my almost-11-year-old got a close encounter with it tonight. We were talking about why her teeth aren't falling out. She's only lost eight teeth. Her sister (two years younger) has lost 12. Her canines, unfortunately, are starting to interfere with her grown-up teeth that are present, and the dentist is suggesting pulling them. We didn't want to . So, we found ourselves wondering why the canines aren't letting go.  We went through several possible stories... maybe the baby teeth don't want to go... maybe the adult teeth aren't wanting to push them out... and she opened her eyes wide! "Yes," she said. "When I was little I thought it was scary for teeth to fall out! The adult teeth don't want to push out the baby teeth because it's what I used to be afraid of!". We wondered if the big teeth had been being formed during the time that she was afraid of her teeth getting loose. A muscle test confirmed this to be true. As we talked to her teeth, we offered an updated experience. Here at 11, she is not afraid of losing teeth, and she actually is thanking these teeth for their service and inviting them to let go. After we talked to her teeth, she said she felt a shift in her mouth... she thinks they're ready and understand now. THIS is the beauty of intuition. When we can keep our logical mind from telling us that we can't talk to teeth, or that this is stupid, we can actually allow shifts to happen that might not occur without our willingness to be open to possibility. Intuition is our guidepost when our thinking brain isn't getting us to where we want to go  This might sound silly to some, but I will say that my own healing (from a dairy allergy) happened when I was willing to open to new possibilities and new points of view, so that there was space for the motion that had been lacking in my body and life. I'll keep you updated on the teeth. I'm grateful to my daughter for reminding me that intuition can often lead you where logic cannot, and for modeling the trust that I so often still struggle to connect with in my own life. Do you listen to your intuition? Do you know what it feels like to suspend logic and follow your heart? How do you know when it's time to go with your intuition? There's been a lot going on lately, though it's not really my story to tell. I'll just say that it's been ups and downs, and a lot of feeling like things aren't going quite right. And then, in one moment, I realized that sometimes the extra space that happens when things don't go as planned... is so perfect I couldn't have planned it... it was only my job to recognize it. I went to see a friend that is having a hard time. I thought we were meeting at 7:30. Lots of twists and turns meant that we didn't connect until 10:30. At first I was sad, then angry... and I was sitting in my car trying to figure out what I was going to do while waiting... and the whole world changed. Dramatic, I know. But really. I was sitting there staring at a fence, when something dropped down in front of my eyes... from my hair. Normally I would have freaked out and swiped at it, but the instant I saw it I knew. It was a sign. It was also a very tiny spider.  The biologist in me is particularly aware of messages from nature. It's how I recognize the divine moments in the ordinary... because nature shows up. Even if it is a spider.
So I let her crawl on my hands... and I thought of webs, and connection, and the people who were holding me and my friend in their hearts, and I felt myself relax. I felt how the connections, not the timing, were what mattered. I recognized my gift of persistence... that no matter what obstacles get thrown in front of me, if it's something that's important to me, then I will be there. And I knew that I could show up at 10:30 strong and grounded, that I could be 100% present for whatever was needed. I did. And I know it meant a lot to my friend, and it meant a lot for me to be there for her... and I know it makes us stronger because of it. Spider reminded me who I am, how I could show up powerfully for us both... how there is beauty in the discomfort. And I'm ever so grateful. #natureismyguide #naturemessages Has someone ever given you a compliment and you brushed it off? Do people tell you that you are beautiful? That you are good at what you do? That you are a most excellent friend? That you are wise and wonderful? And then do you feel super squirmy and uncomfortable? And then do you walk away promptly forgetting that someone sees you as beautiful / wise / successful? And later, do you find yourself thinking that everything would be great if you just got more acknowledgement or approval? Um. So yeah... that happened to me this morning. An amazingly wise and helpful friend admitted that knowing that I didn't hear when she told me about my own amazingness... that hurt her... that I didn't receive her verbal gift. OMG! Um. So... I'm making it up to her and the others that I realized I didn't hear. I went back through my memories and remembered their gifts of love, friendship, adoration, and attraction. I wrote a few of them on pieces of paper... and then I rolled around in them. Yup... I really did that.  I realized that my inability to receive compliments has been life long. It was a learned behavior... and I've worked hard as an adult to break free of self-deprecating bullshit.
Today... I realized that I have come a long way, I can receive compliments on my appearance about 80% of the time... and about 50% of the time I can accept compliments about who I am. So, pat on the back... this are much better stats than I had at 20. Or 30. And... I still have a ways to go. Rolling around on the floor in paper shreds of compliments and acknowledgement is memorable... so I hope it will keep me listening (ahh... that again... seems like it's listening week). What does it feel like when you receive acknowledgement or compliments? And how much of your time do you spend wishing for compliments and acknowledgement? Just curious ;)  Other than that, it’s a dedication… something I do with the long-term goal of a healthy and happy life in mind. It’s definitely not “the easy road”. That said, I’ve become more used to it. It can still take me a long time to dedicate myself and address the issues that come up, but I do know how good I feel when I do listen… and listen deeply. For me, healing is mostly about awareness. It’s about listening to my body, and acting on what I understand.
Listening, it’s the first catch. Almost always. I was taught not to listen to my body, but to push harder, do better, achieve more. And it meant that I was often overriding my body’s messages in order to appear stronger, more flexible, and better at something, than I truly was. I worried about being good enough. A lot. Listening took on a new dimension of resistance as I realized that when I did listen, I often received messages that I had to take care of. You know, the message that you’re really, actually, sick and should stay home and take care of yourself. Or the message that the emotion I’ve been avoiding engaging is still there, settling into my body, making me feel queasy and uncomfortable. Listening is only really easy when I hear what I want to hear. Have you ever had an experience that was as mundane as could be, but you just knew had been orchestrated by Divine Intervention? I mean, that you could just feel the perfection of the moment (even if it was really uncomfortable)? I had one of these experiences lately. There were a series of events that left no doubt in my mind that I was at a really major crossroads. I had been confronting some old memories... you know those old things that you've almost convinced yourself aren't really yours... and that feels like such a relief... but then you admit to them and they become persistent thoughts until you begin to feel them? I have a very partial memory of being abused when I was five. Lots of times I had thought of it, but with so few details I chose to think it wasn't real. I even brought it up to a healer once... who told me it wasn't my memory... that it belonged to someone else. Wahoo! Free pass to toss that sucker by the wayside! But, like toilet paper stuck to my shoe... it followed me around... and just last year I decided I was brave enough to investigate.  Lots of other memories flow into this same river confluence. Suffice it to say that what I learned at five, that was reinforced over and over later in a multitude of ways, was that my value was in what I could offer to others. The important thing was that someone else feel good, or not feel bad... but that my feelings didn't really matter. Fast forward to mid-January. I was creating the material for Water As My Ally (my Water Intensive e-course), and the secrets, the feelings, the conflict in my sense of sensuality from these experiences... all came bubbling up to the surface. I fell into a full on Divine Feminine crisis. At the same time, the wisdom of my body was also surfacing. All of the places that I held these tensions, conflicts, and sense of resignation came to my attention in one way or another. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with prolapse. I was intensely afraid of having an hysterectomy... I realized how much I identified my femininity and my womanhood with my uterus. I mourned. I threw slightly childish fits about how "unfair" this all was. And then... there was a moment of immaculate divinity. The fourth doctor's appointment. I hadn't yet managed to see the same doctor twice for all of the issues I was having in the same locale... and I was getting tired of a parade of physicians in my nether regions. But, this time it was different. I had seen three female doctors... each of whom treated me for the first thing they saw, but never the whole story. It was like they wanted out of attending to another woman's female parts as soon as possible. I was scheduled to see Doctor #3, but she was catching a baby... so I was introduced to Doctor #4... a man.  It was a divine miracle. Seriously. I'm not joking. He realized he had surprised me. He told me I could decide if I wanted him to see me or to reschedule (he IMMEDIATELY offered me choice!). He listened to my story. He was willing to let me show him what I was seeing that worried me BEFORE he did "his exam" (another doctor had refused this request). He was professional, he took his time, he took measurements, he assessed all of the possibilities. And then he told me that the prolapse isn't too bad. He said I need to strengthen my pelvic floor. He recommended exercise. {Do you know how many times I've had to advocate for myself... for other therapies besides taking a pill or having surgery???}. Whew! And bigger than that... he was a man. A stranger that showed up in complete compassion. He listened. He gave me choices. This instantly began healing the part of me that had been betrayed by men... by doctors... by myself. I rewrote stories of who men are, who doctors are, who is allowed to decide what to do with my body. And finally, I was able to see where I had followed suit and betrayed myself... believing the story that I had little or no inherent value. This was a life-changing 15 minutes. And I am absolutely certain that the Divine intervened in that moment... converging all of my rivers into one so that I can keep moving forward. It's a feeling I just can't relay with words. A divine moment of clarity and healing... archetypal and yet also tangible in this very body. My point? {I know this is long... we're almost there!} The truly miraculously Divine really is present every day. It is possible with each interaction, each moment, each blink of the eye, to behold great wonders, to heal old wounds, to rewrite old stories. Curious to hear more? Sign up for Notes From The Muse my monthly-ish correspondence.
Follow me on Facebook Jill Clifton at Luminous Muse Healing Every year for the last four years I've chosen a Word of the Year. It's a word that has layers of meaning for me, that invites me to stay mindful of what I desire in my life. It is my touchstone... the thing I check in with when I'm wanting to make sure I'm still moving toward more of what I want... and less of what I don't. In the past I've chosen proportion (as in balance), emerge, and stand. All of these words have had multiple layers to them... and I've understood them more and more deeply over the course of the year. This year I chose devotion. My perspective on devotion is this: If I don't take care of myself, if I don't devote myself to making sure that I am standing on my own two feet, then I can't really support anyone else. Thus, my devotion to all that I want to nurture in this world comes through being devoted to my own needs first... and through that sense of being nourished... I am free and able to meet others' requests of me.  This is a tough one to swallow for me... as I've been well trained to do the opposite. To believe that I need to take care of everyone first... THEN I can have time for me. But, you know what? I found out that when I do that... there never tends to be consistent time for me. It is like trying to water your house plants after every other chore gets done... and then being surprised when the plants wilt before you get around to caring for them. So, in 2015 I decided to devote myself to my own nurturing care. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? By January 2nd I was having to check in with myself to see whether the choices I was making were really in resonance with "devotion to me" or not. By the end of January I felt that my "devotion to me" was pushing me to the edges of my ability to keep up. Devotion... it turns out... will not be as easy as it first seemed. For me, it looks like a holding pattern. I will keep doing my Body Wisdom Healing Circle calls in 2015, and the Body Wisdom Seasonal Intensives, and working with my one-on-one clients. I will devote my other time to myself... to my physical health and well-being, and to laying in the forest, and to playing at the water's edge... to getting my needs met. I give myself six months to explore the possibilities of what creating vitality and robustness in me looks like... then I'll get back to creating for my practice. What does it look like for you when you take time for yourself? What do you do? What does it look like to "take time off"? How often do you really do it... does it take a crisis of some sort to motivate you to make the space for you? A friend (Nissa at SoulCraft) recently encouraged her tribe to acknowledge all the wonderful things they accomplished in 2014. I made a list for myself, because my tendency is to look forward and plan... and dream... and be inspired (I'm a Leo after all). But I don't often reflect, or at least not on the successes. So, if you're curious, here are some of mine:
 It's good for me to look back, to acknowledge where I spent my energy, and what I got in return. I get to breathe in the abundance of the seeds I sowed... some were impulsive... and I just went with it... others I planned in great detail. Acknowledging them feeds my soul in a way that I wouldn't have predicted before I wrote them down.
So, what about you? What did you accomplish this year? What feels successful about 2014? I'd encourage you to light a candle, and write your list down. It took me a long time to come up with this list. I'd forgotten some of them... and it wasn't until they were here together that I could feel how I cultivated a sense of myself this year. For you, what about last year's work and play are you most proud of? What feeds you more than you expected when you did it? What do you want to build on more in 2015? |
Jill CliftonI'm an explorer of inner realms, a pattern observer, and an invitation maker. I believe that healing the world starts within. If you organize your blog conversations through Bloglovin' you can follow me there...
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