In March, by telling my story of adoption at the YoniVerse Monologues, I completed a story on which I had based so much of my “not enoughness”. I am left without a huge part of who I used to be.
The Threshold is the space between releasing and rebuilding. It is the destruction of all that was built on that old story. In fact, sometimes I feel like pieces of it are still falling and letting go and dropping away.
From my body’s perspective that looks like getting sick multiple times in the last month. Full body breakdown... stomach bug, two week virus with coughing fits... it's been awful.
Oh… and to top off the destruction, the dis-memberment, inherent in The Threshold, both times I’ve been sick I’ve also been on my moon cycle. That’s the "over the top" part of purging that lets me know that this is The Threshold. Bleeding is the cleansing, releasing, that is inherent with my body each month. When it coincides with being sick… I feel like The Tower card in the tarot… everything is reordering.
It means my emotions usually follow suit… as they are today. I wonder about who I am in the world, what my value is, why I should try so hard to get my voice heard above the screaming din. When I am sick and on my moon I find that I wonder more about what I’m meant to be doing… why am I here?
These are good questions for The Threshold time… as we’re deciding AT THIS MOMENT where our next step is. However, I don’t know about you, but I feel like those questions are too big to answer easily.
So, what it takes to move through The Threshold is baby steps. Part of me would love to take a big leap either back to where I started from (and decide never to do this again) or to just leap forward and hope I land somewhere good.
Option #1: Go back and stop trying to change things… it’s too hard, too uncertain, too scary. Yup. I’ve done this hundreds of times in small and large ways. It’s a perfectly acceptable decision to make. No shame. It often means we don’t quite have all the tools we need to make the change we want. If we still really want change, but aren’t prepared for the journey, maybe it’s time to quest for the tools we need to be successful when we do embark on the journey.
Option #2: Leap of faith… I think that’s the Hero’s Journey (regardless of your gender identification… it’s just the Hero’s way). The Hero is committed to the end point of the journey (even if he’s not clear on what it is) and so he just keeps going and readjusting his path as he finds he needs to.
But I think that there’s a #3: Lingering on The Threshold. This may be a uniquely feminine way… part of the Heroine’s Journey (again, regardless of gender identification).
Here we are at The Threshold, and things are going crazy. We thought (hoped) it was going to be all roses and cake and an easy paved path, but we are standing amidst destruction and no path. What are we supposed to do here?
Likely the tools we brought in our pack are all metric and everything here is measured in inches (damn!). Our rope is too fine or too coarse, there was a hole in the bottom of the sack and we lost the nails even though we still have the hammer, and now we have to figure out how to MacGuyver our way out of this… but even the duct tape is missing.
First, take a deep breath. You can do this. I can do this. We can do this.
Let’s start by assuming that Who-You-Are and What-You-Are-Doing-In-This-World are ultimately the same thing.
That makes life easier… as you don’t have to play multiple roles in order to be You and to Get Things Done.
Whew. That one makes me feel better already.
Let that flow through your body. Let each cell take in the idea that by expressing itself, being alive and vital, is all it takes to fulfill its greatest purpose.
This is a chance to come back to our bodies then… to reclaim the physical of who we are. To find within our bodies the touchstones… to find in our bones the essence, in our muscles the action, in the connection between cells and tissues we find our community, and at the center we find our life force that keeps all of it in motion.
I then wonder… what does my body do when all hell breaks lose? It takes massive steps toward containment of infection and repair processes. My immune system is activated, moving out to take corrective action, and I slow down, so that once the infection is contained my cells can repair or rebuild.
In fact, this is what all of nature does. It restores after destruction. It may not regrow into the same environment if the destruction has been too great… but at The Threshold… we’re looking for change, so this is good news. It means that the devastation is a ripe environment for something new to be built… something different, more in alignment with our true selves, more in touch with our own desire.
I think this "body breakdown" is an invitation to the feminine gesture... of sitting in the chaos of the Threshold and committing to our own regeneration and re-membering. It is restoring and cultivating within us the energy to sustain us on our journey.
This... it is the clarion call for self-care. For doing what is restorative and will keep our endurance up as we move through new territory toward what we desire.
I'm an explorer of inner realms, a pattern observer, and an invitation maker. I believe that healing the world starts within.
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