Why I begin again... and again...

My blogging has never been consistent... that's ok.  But lately it's been bothering me and I've been thinking about what consistency brings us.  What do we get for making ourselves show up even when resistance pops up?

Well, I guess first and foremost, I know what a lack of consistency does.  When it's important stuff that we want to be consistent... it's about reliability and trustworthiness.  I know that as a child, the sporadic nature of my connection with my parents was traumatic.  It left a lasting sense that it was hard to trust people.  Not that I expected them to be mean or neglectful... but that I just couldn't rely on them.

The place my lack of consistency shows up these days is in my own self-care.  I tend to sign up for online courses that make my heart shine initially, but when the time for the course starts competing with time for other things... I often end up letting the course go.  I don't finish them.  Or... I commit to some daily practice of caring for my own soul, and within days I'm not doing it anymore.  

And then later I regret it.  Then I feel like I didn't follow through... and I feel like I can't always trust me to follow through for myself.  I'm a die hard loyal for others... but not so much for me.  Why should I get less of myself than others do?

Honestly, it's habit.  And it's one that needs my attention to break it.  It means that I do need to make myself do things even when I don't think I want to, just because I know they're good for me.  This is backward to what I learned as a kid... that things should be easy... so always go the easy way.  

This pattern... the one where I abandon myself and my intentions when my resistance comes up... that needs to change.  The pattern I long for is that I can trust me to always be there... always showing up for what I need and want, even when the going gets tough.  

I'm beginning again.  Today.  Literally.  

I'm noticing the sacred in the every day... it's part of a 31 day course with Nissa Howard called #messageseverywhere.  It's a bit like my sporadic nature practice (#naturemessages)... but... ya know... consistent and reliable.

What are you beginning again today?  It's the full moon... what brings you such a sense of fulfillment that you're willing to do it for you... over and over again.